Blackbird

There are times a song can speak to your soul.  Blackbird made me cry for joy.  It moved me.  It's my new theme song.  Here are the words.  Enjoy!

Blackbird - The Beatles

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

I feel like a silly school girl seeing they did this on Glee.  Then again, I LOVE Glee - so pfffttt.  They also did my other absolutely favorite song & theme song for 2011 "Defying Gravity" from Wicked.



It's a weird place to be - in the middle of the rest of your life.  Is this a destination I'll reach again and again?  Is that "normal"?  I've worried a lot about being normal.  My entire life I've fretted over my own "normalcy".  I'm anything but normal.  I digress - that thought merely makes me laugh.  Why have I worried so very much about being "normal"?  Perhaps because I've forever felt different.

I realized something today.  OK, I've always known this - it makes me feel weak and needy though so I like to pretend it isn't true.  I don't like to be alone.  I mean ... I like to be alone, but I don't like to be alone.  I'm the youngest of nine.  In my formative years, people were constantly around me ... CONSTANTLY.  I didn't mind.  I really enjoy the hum of life.  I like to pick up on conversations and drama.  Stories unfolding all around me make me happy.  When I'm home by myself I only have my own story and so I write.

Thing about writing is --- well, quite frankly, you're seeing my soul.  It's liberating for me to put my thoughts and feelings out there.  At the same time, now you all know (gasp) ME.  It's terrifying to me.  I like to hear all those other stories.  I like to glean experience and knowledge from perceiving others.  This little outlet of mine turns those tables right around.  Scary.

Where is this going?

Being alone.

For having such a large family, they hardly ever talk to me.  Why is this?  I'm not egocentric enough (what?!) to think it's all about me or that I'm the only member of a large family who has this problem.  I think it's more prevalent in large families.  When you grow up as one of many, it can be difficult to shine or feel like anyone craves your time and attention.  I crave time and attention.  I love it.

Recently I was given a gift.  I got to slink back into the old role of listening and gleaning joy from life happening around me.  It was Christmas Eve.  My sister, Melissa, invited me over to celebrate with her & our brother, David's, family with my Dot & Happy Joe.  I have to admit it was hard to get dressed and get over there that night.  I was sad.  I was super super super sad and missing my children horribly.  I pulled my big girl panties on and went over to celebrate a holiday with my family.  Upon walking in the door, I was greeted with screams of "Aunt Glenda!!  Aunt Glenda is HERE!!!"  All my sorrow melted.  All my own angst and sadness - gone.  They were super happy I was there so they could start the gift exchange (yeah I know that), but they also gave me hugs and smiles and were genuinely happy to see me.  It made my day.  It transformed my attitude.

During the excitement, chatter, and activity I decided to take a back seat for a moment to soak it all in completely.  I sat back, away from the hum of activity.  I pretended to do something on my phone when what I was really doing, what I was loving and savoring - were the laughs, screams of this and that, talk between cousins, a brother and sister.  I loved it.  I was alone, but completely surrounded.  I prefer life that way.