I'm Baaaaack

**WARNING**this is candid & very honest**

I'm Baaaaaack!!!! No, I don't mean that in the Jack Nicholson, ax through the door kind of way. I mean that I'm FINALLY feeling more like myself.

I'm finally not feeling like I've been hit by a truck. I'm finally not grinning on the outside and snoring on the inside. I'm finally interested in things. I'm FINALLY realizing that things - other than our beautiful little baby - exist!!

It's nice to not be caught in a cyclone of exuberance/depression/exhaustion/haziness. It's nice to laugh and mean it. It's nice to think anything - other than our precious bundle's little face - is nice.

Seriously, people don't talk about postpartum in real terms. It's either depression akin to chopping off your baby's arms or you're just fine - right? OH SO WRONG!! Why is it so hard for people to admit that being an emotional roller coaster for the first few months after having a baby is normal? The lack of sleep alone will leave the sanest, most chemically balanced person loopy. I think, as a society, we've made things way too hard on new mommies. I have a few suggestions:

1. #1 rule of life around postpartum women - NO EXPECTATIONS!!
2. Instead of meals every day for the first week a Mom is home with baby, why not offer to bring in one meal a week for two months? or better yet, gift cards - my family did that for us and it was WONDERFUL!!
3. Grocery Stores should deliver groceries for FREE to any family with an infant to three months of age.
4. Fitness class for pregnant women focusing on triceps and thighs - better build those up before hefting that infant carrier!
5. Visit, visit, visit and for goodness sake - HOLD THE BABY! DON'T ASK, JUST HOLD THE BABY!
6. Stop with comparing babies - LADIES!! We all win!
7. When a woman has just had a baby, she does not need to hear about how tired you were after your aerobics class, having sex, pedicure, etc! She does NOT need to hear your woes about ANYTHING! She needs to hear, "Wow! You look like you didn't even have a baby!" - even if it's a flaming, blazing hot lie --- LIE!! and "How are YOU feeling?"
8. Anyone who makes a living off looking good should be sterilized. If I have to hear about J Lo's postpartum exercise routine or any other celeb slim down technique - I'll barf. Give me a herd of nannies and a staff and I'll look kick ass too!! -- While we're on the subject of fitness let me give all ya'll a "heads up" about something - Lactating Breasts. I am horrified about the size of my breasts. HORRIFIED!! They are roughly the size of ... oh ... Neptune and Pluto. Seriously, I think they orbit one another! Sometimes I loose track of one and have to go on a voyage to put it back in place. That is sooooo beyond my control! Have you ever tried to jog/do yoga/move quickly with two giant water balloons strapped to your chest? It is humiliating and WRONG!! As if exerting oneself in such a manner isn't enough, then you have to hold a precious, tiny infant in your sweaty, sticky arms - their noses precariously close to your smelly, foul armpits and expect them to comfortably partake of Mommy's nourishment. It's just wrong. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
9. There should be at least two parking spaces allotted for new mommies. I drive all the way to Jerusalem to go to the grocery store that has "new mommy" parking. Let me piggyback opening doors to that one - when I was pregnant, people were falling over themselves opening doors for me. Now that the baby is out and I'm juggling diaper bag/stroller/carrier plus whatever else - where are the people?? I can tell you - about five feet in front of me, letting the door shut in my face!!
   
10. NO EXPECTATIONS!!

There! Done!!