2 a.m. & 'm not sleepin' ...

Not because I have a manic/depressive mood disorder that keeps me "high" and not needing sleep, not because the baby is awake, not because I have something pending and can't keep it off my mind. I'm not sleeping because I am enjoying some time to myself. I know that sounds ridiculous to you "sleepers" out there, but to me - a "time" person - a little time to myself is more precious than sleep, more precious than food, and neck in neck as precious as Cary Grant movies and a good book ... which usually coincides with my personal time. Right now I am moved to blog. I am moved to blog in the traditional sense of the term and not as in an online scrapbook of my family doings. Here is why: I am saddened by perceptions. Vague? Could I be more vague?! Yes, I could just say, "I'm saddened." That would get you all worrying now, wouldn't it?!

I realized tonight (via some time to think) that so many people are consumed not with reality, but with their false perceptions. We are all so vulnerable, so caught up with our own feelings and our own lives that we sometimes forget to step outside ourselves to see the forest through the trees. Let me start out with what prompted this whole train of thought. I was in Relief Society half way listening to the lesson, half way wrangling Lily, and half way trying to figure out how to go to the bathroom without letting Lily crawl on the bathroom floor -- ok, so none of that was done half way, it was done in thirds. Anyway, the lesson was on, I believe, maintaining faith through adversity (I was only listening with 1/3 my listening ability remember). What I thought of and what wouldn't leave my mind was an event that happened about two years ago. My brother had been killed in a car accident. My niece was seriously injured and in Vanderbilt Children's Hospital for a week. I was there with her and my sister-in-law for the duration. During this time, I would ride up and down the elevator many times a day. I was overcome with grief and worry. I was hardly functioning and brinking on breakdown when on one elevator ride I noticed the titles for the floors. They were awful. Each heading whispered of a fate too dreadful to think of for an adult, much less a child. It was then that I looked up and noticed the people in the elevator with me. My heart broke in half. Here I was, experiencing one of the most horrendous times of my life sharing an elevator with others experiencing equally horrendous times or worse. I felt a kinship and a hurt that pierced me to my very soul. At that moment it hit me - we never know what day is going to be the absolute worst day of someone's life. We never know when that person in the elevator needs a hug or a smile or a door held open. We just never know what anyone else is going through.

I need to admit to something - I tend to be judgmental. Don't judge me! It's not usually in a mean-spirited way - I'm merely observant & then gain great pleasure in giggling about people's absurdities later. Ok, so I'm mean, but I don't mean to be mean. I usually love and adore people for their quirks. I rather surround myself with a million quirky people than ten straight arrows. I'm always nervous around the straight arrows - they're hiding something! What I've figured out is that some of these judgments are correct and others are not. I can be wrong. Whhhhaaat?! Yes, I CAN BE WRONG!

So, let's talk about perceptions. Let's talk especially about false perceptions. I learned in high school that people are hypocrits. I hung around a colorful group of people whom I love and still love to this day, but they were the biggest group of hypocrits I've ever known! I was too blond, too preppy, too outgoing or whatever to be "cool". I've never been "cool" - I don't give a crap if anyone thinks I'm cool (well, that's not true - I'd like to be so very aloof as to appear like I don't care, but I care - just not enough to actually work to impress anybody) . So, I took the insults, the insinuations, pretended to be too stupid to notice when I was being insulted and just smiled, joked, and acted like I didn't care when in actuality it hurt my feelings - a lot. I dealt with it because I loved being around them so much. They were funny, listened to the same music, had silly stories, and were always doing something unusual and fun. I made a decision to take some crap in return for good times - and I knew they loved me! We were all just a big, disfunctional, incestuous family! It didn't hurt that I was too blond and too preppy to be ignored by the remainder of my classmates. I've always been a friendly person & it isn't hard for me to make nice with my fellow humans - so I always had plenty of positive feedback to help ease the damage my good friends caused. Wow! That sounds messed up! Anyway, this is where I'm going - I'm mean, judgmental, and choose to love people who abuse me. I'm not perfect, but I haved learned how to love and how to be a good friend. Most recently, I think I've learned to go a little easier on my fellow man.

Since I think high school is a petri dish for life, I've noticed the same judgments and hypocrisy in adulthood - only more sublime, but equally painful.

First, lifestyle. Why do people feel like one has to have the exact same lifestyle as someone else to be lifelong BFFs? One word for how I feel about that - BORING! My life is enriched by my relationships with others who have a different lifestyle than me. Yes, it's easy and fun to get together with my friends who have kids the same ages as my kids, but I also enjoy those whom I love who have children who are out of the house or who don't have kids or who don't ever want kids or our nieces, nephews, and babysitters who are just experiencing their lives and are so full of energy and opportunity. I love my friends who aren't religious. I love sharing my love for Jesus Christ with my friends who are religious. I just love my "people" for who they are. I get mad at them. I hurt their feelings, they hurt mine. We're FRIENDS. To me, that's at times better than family! Why are some people so insecure with their own choices and who they are that they can't open themselves up to other ideas? I've only experienced enrichment after life-long relationships with others, who without fail, are different from me.

Second, politics. I'm putting this in it's own paragraph because I am so beat down. I'm a Libertarian which means I'm too Liberal for Conservatives and too Conservative for Liberals. I can't win! When someone feels secure in me agreeing with them on some political issue - WITHOUT FAIL, I disappoint. Here's the deal, I'm pretty secure in my political beliefs, but not so vain in them that I will barage you with emails or scream at you to get my point across. After years of being called every name in the Thesaurus for "Liberal" or "Facist", I prefer not to call names or demean people for their beliefs. I have done this. I have, but only in retaliation. Like I said, right now I'm just beat down! In this current political environment, my hands are thrown up in the air. So, here's my question: When people talk politics, why can't they listen? Why can't they show a little bit of originality in their arguements? Know a little history? Understand what form of government they believe in? I gained so much respect for one of my friends when she came right out and said, "Hey! I'm a Socialist!" Good! I finally understood where she was coming from after I knew that! So many people try to skirt around what they really believe -- it makes me wonder why they're so ashamed. For the record, I'm a Libertarian & I'll die for anyone to say they're a Socialist or a Facist or support a Dictatorship - as long as they can say it!

Third, prestige. Why, oh why do people live to feel better about themselves by knocking others down? I don't get it! Seriously, if you have good news, do something kickass and want to brag - call me! I will honestly feel happy for you. Does that mean I don't get jealous? Oh, hell no! I get jealous all the time, but I'm a big girl and can deal with it. I read this saying on the Waddill Street Baptist Church Marquee: "Blowing out another person's candle doesn't make your light shine brighter!" I love that! What feeds a flame? Oxygen! Talk up all those around you and see how bright your light will get. That's the best advice I've ever gotten.

Now it's 3:30 & I'm starting to get bleary eyed. Maybe this made a little sense, maybe it didn't. It sure was nice to have a little personal time & it sure was nice for you to listen!