Work, Work, Work ...

For the past two weeks, I've been working full time.  NOT doing my design thing, but temping.  I've been answering phones.  Hmmmmmm ...

While I completely LOVE coming up with a new outfit everyday and having an EXCUSE to wear high heels (without people saying, "Why are you wearing heels?"), I do miss being home with my Lily.  I miss picking up Abby from school.  I miss seeing Noah's entourage bust through the door each afternoon and raid our refrigerator.  I miss tending my nest.  I wonder ... is this worth it?

Then I remember the feeling I had when it was pointed out to me how much monetary worth I did NOT have.  It was humiliating. 

Tracy and I made a deal before we got married that I would stay home and raise our children.  But ... when feelings are hurt, relationships dissolve, and defenses are up - some hidden issues raise their ugly heads.  Money, income, worth ... it's relative.  Or at least I thought it was.  Now I see that a fact is a fact.  I haven't brought much, if any, money into this relationship.  But I have spent it.

Let's talk spending.  For the most part, I've purchased most of my wardrobe for the past fifteen years at Sam's Club.  I didn't HAVE to, but honestly ... I was so overweight and depressed by my appearance.  I was worried about money constantly (since I wasn't bringing in any) and - well - I was just busy with kids, PTO, church, house, etc.  I put myself last in line.  Shoes (my weakness) were always bought on sale - as were clothes (when I wasn't buying them at Sam's).  I shopped sales for groceries, cosmetics, athletic equipment, EVERYTHING!!  When have I NOT shopped sales?  I did have another weakness besides shoes - scrap booking supplies.  So, I reflect upon my spending in the past fifteen years and see that I've spent most of my liquid cash on shoes and scrap booking supplies.  Is this excessive?  I don't think so.  No one can walk in another person's shoes - so only those who stay at home and are the mercy of another person's paycheck can understand the guilt one feels at not contributing money.

I have to ask myself, "What have I contributed?" and "Have I pulled my weight?"  Let's look at the facts:  Three kids.  Well, I carried them, kept myself healthy, and gave birth.  Do I get, at least, an allowance of one year's salary for each child (half a year for the two I lost)?  I think I should!!  Let's dumb down life to basic categories:

• Housekeeping
• Cooking
• Education
• Spiritual Enrichment
• Extracurricular Activities

HOUSEKEEPING:  This should have three subcategories:  Cleaning, Decor, and Organization.  First, Cleaning ... while I haven't always been the BEST housekeeper, I've made a valiant effort to maintain a clean home.  Granted, for the past five years I've had a housekeeper come clean twice a month.  By no means does that keep our home clean, but it does help me stay on top of things.  Overall, I would say that our home maintains a level of cleanliness that is above par.  Second, Decor ... it's no secret we have NEVER had a budget for decor.  I have sacrificed many a nice thing for myself to have cool stuff to work with in my home.  I don't know if we have any furniture that is new to us and not second hand, which doesn't bother me at all.  I think it should be noted that I rock in this department.  Hiring me to do what I  have done in each one of our homes would have cost thousands of dollars.  Third, Organization ... this is difficult in a home with two heads of household with pack rat tendencies; however, I've done a pretty good job.  Stellar.  Once again, hiring someone to do what I've done would cost thousands of dollars!  I think my housekeeping abilities, the fact that I care and work hard to maintain order in our home and have done so for the entire time I've stayed home, should count for at least 5 years salary.

COOKING:  I cook.  I am a good cook.  My cooking to not cooking ratio has been 4:3.  One night for leftovers, one night for going out, and Tracy cooks on Sunday.  Multiply this by 15 years.  Add in my efforts in spending a minimal amount of money on groceries (that we can actually cook with - not 48 boxes of granola bars).  I think this deserves another 5 years salary - especially considering the INSANE amount of dinners I've made for families in need, church & school functions, etc.

EDUCATION:  Wow!  I can not take credit for how well my children do in school currently.  That is their doing.  Their hard work.  You know what I can take credit for?  Making it fun.  Making it a priority.  Keeping them exposed to new things and experiences.  How many trips to the zoo have I made?  The aquarium?  The park?  How many playgroups have I attended (because play stimulates the mind)?  How many books have I read?  Times have I sung the alphabet song?  Sounded out words?  Counted to make doing chores a game and in turn taught counting (and working)?  Geez!!!  Our kids entered school fully prepared to succeed.  I absolutely WILL take credit for all that!!!  Not to mention the countless hours volunteering at their school, heading up the PTO, dealing with impossible people in order to give my kids ample opportunities.  I'm giving myself 4 years salary for that - knowing full well that the benefits the kids receive will be exponential.

SPIRITUAL ENRICHMENT:  While my views on religion are evolving, one thing will always remain the same - faith in Jesus Christ.  This is essential to my happiness.  This is essential to me living the life I long to lead.  This is a constant and a comfort to me.  I have ensured that my children fully understand the purpose and mission of our Savior's life, subsequent death, and resurrection.  I have worked to instill a seed of faith in their soul, which will hopefully grow to enrich and aid them in times of joy as well as in times of need.  I can't take an salary for this.  This is what I've given to the Lord.

EXTRA CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES:  Holy Camoly!!!  These kids have been exposed to so much!!  Piano lesson, guitar lessons, soccer, softball, baseball, basketball, cheer leading, art lessons, dance lessons - am I forgetting something?  Oh, horseback riding lessons ... probably more!!  Anyway, I have researched, driven, paid (sacrificed to pay) for all this stuff.  I have spent my Saturdays and every other day attending practices and games - recitals and fittings.  It has been all about the kids.  All about helping them find "their thing".  All about instilling confidence as well as a practice of trying something new.  I'm giving myself 4 years salary for this.

I hear what some of you may be saying, "I do all of that and I WORK"  Do you do it?  Really???  Really??  How much do you pay someone else to do?  How many things do you let go?  Because ... I've only been at this for two weeks and I CERTAINLY am not doing "it all"!!  I have heard from so many friends that they can't/aren't able to help at school, church, etc. due to work.  The same people have asked, "How do you do it all?!  I just don't have the time!!"  I used to think that was an excuse.  Let me apologize!!  It's the TRUTH!! Working has zapped me of my time.  I realize time is my most precious commodity.  With time, I've been able to hone some of my favorite skills.  Time has also allowed me to foster precious relationships.  Oh boy, this is another topic for another post.  I can feel myself wanting to ride this tangent!!!

According to my calculations, I've earned 22 years of salary for my efforts as a stay at home Mom.  What do I have to show for it?  Wonderful, well behaved children who bring great amounts of joy, a beautiful home which I love ... and that's about it.  The love I've collected through the years of being active in my community and church are the only things I can carry, but you can't see any of that can you - its in my heart.  You definitely can't divide it up between two people.  So ... I don't have much monetary worth.  I don't have much to my name. 

I do have strength.  I do have great ability.  I do have confidence to go try ANYTHING.  I am no longer afraid of failure.  Whereas some things may be frightening to me, I don't fear much. (I'll thank Jesus for that - maybe it's my dividend for all those faith deposits?!)

Back to my initial question:  Is working worth it?  Well, I guess so.  I've had numerous years to cultivate the person that I am.  To me, that's priceless.  I suppose it's time for me to give back - to contribute in a different way.  My older kids are there for their little sister to ensure she has the same advantages they did.  I am still the same Mom I've always been.  Now I get to challenge myself to reach out in different ways.  I should look at that as fun.  I like a challenge!

Do I think this will save me from being humiliated again?  Oh NO!!  I'm sure that's a dish I'll be served again and again ...