The past few months have been nothing less than epic for me. I don't necessarily mean "epic" in the way the young folks mean it. I mean it in the very Homeresque sense of a journey. I'm sure I'm nowhere near my destination; however, I'm learning a lot. Let's hope I'll be able to keep the Sirens at bay and stay focused on my final destination. If I'm not and I do, at times, go off course - I'm confident in my abilities to once again recall my journey and set myself on my intended path.
Writing is huge is this task. It keeps me focused. Helps me center myself when I start spinning ... and those of you who know me well KNOW I'm the master of the spin.
Over the past year, I've become increasingly grateful. Oh, I suppose this gratitude has been building for awhile now. I am so grateful for --- people. Yes, yes, it's not uncommon for me to steal one of my dear friend's favorite phrases, "I hate people"; however, for the most part, I don't hate people. People astound me. For so many years, I have felt this pressure to be perfect. As if there was some invisible gauge hovering over my head which tallied how awesome I am. Of course, my awesome reading is expected to be way above anyone else's ... and let's face it - it is. (big grin) What I'm learning is people like you a whole lot more when you're maybe NOT quite so awesome. What??? It's true. I was fake. I was phony. I was transparent. I was miserable. Let's be honest here - I wasn't miserable because of anyone else. I was miserable because of me.
Perfectionist. That's what my personality test said. I couldn't comprehend that - at all. Perfectionist?! What the heck?? ME???? Um ... I had failed out of college, worked more than one job for ages, struggled to get by, was consistently late ... PERFECTIONIST??? That test had to be wrong. It bothered me. I was anything but. I was damaged. I made horrible decisions. Over the years, I've pulled out that personality test and read over it time and again. I realized perfectionism doesn't mean you're perfect - merely that you expect yourself and those around you to be perfect. Wow. Now ... that's true. So many times I've invested faith in people who don't deserve it. I've seen the best of those around me, ignoring faults, working around idiosyncrasies to further concentrate on how perfect they were. It was a way for me to compete (if they did X, I did Y - and thus furthered my perfection because my awesome meter gauged my awesomeness higher). What it truly does is ruin relationships.
I have friends, my very close friends, whom I've known for over 30 years. We haven't always been BFFs in those 30 years. Any one of them can recount a time when we struggled in our relationship. What keeps us close is our willingness to accept one an other's faults and give allowances when needed. It ain't easy. However, the reward is great. I love my friends. I know that if I died today, each one would have a different perspective on something important I would want done and each one would understand how essential their role is. Do we know this because it's been discussed? Not really. I think we understand our roles in the friendship realm because we allow one another to be who we are. It's liberating. I love them for it. Hear that guys? I love you!
I'm learning the importance of light hearted fun friends as well. Everyone does not have to know ALL my nitty gritty. Uh - anymore - why would I want to burden someone "new" with all my intimate details? I wasn't able to buffer that in years past. I had so many emotions, so many fears, so much guilt inside that it was an exhausting, constant struggle to keep it all inside. I couldn't do it. Well ... I attempted it for nearly 20 years, but I was ready to crack. Who am I kidding? I cracked - it was essential. Back to my point - fun friends are FUN. It's nice to know you can hang out and talk about silly stuff. Gosh, I LOVE talking about silly stuff. When I get the chance to go off on ridiculous tangents and make up funny things --- heaven!! I love these people!! They're also the ones who end up being crazy supportive when bad things happen. It's easy to help someone you only know as fun - there's no judgement only love and concern. Fun friends turn into lifelong friends. I'm learning that as well.
Let's talk about strangers. You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat a stranger. Warm smile. Light chit chat. Holding the door open. Allowing someone ahead of them in line. All signs of a good person. I watch people. I have no interest in rude people - unless they're funny.
Alright, I'm not trying to compose the Iliad so I should wrap this up and bring it all home.
What do people have to do with my journey? They ARE my journey. Listening, watching, appreciating, being kind - all essential in my journey. So are: boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. This is where I am right now. I am in the land of boundaries. I am learning how to treat myself. Hardest. Lesson. Ever. My perfectionist self is there for everybody else, never myself. I am always accessible. Always up for whatever "You" are doing - whomever you may be. I am learning to guide myself. Make time for myself. Sometimes ... not to have a clean house or dinner made because I had to do __________ for myself. This may sound stupid to you, but it is monumental to me. HUGE. I strapped on my crampons and headed for Everest, huge.
I am done suffocating giant loads of emotions. I am done trying to be the most awesome (because I already am, of course). I am done living my life to gain other people's approval. I am on a journey. Some days I really enjoy it. Others ... not so much. But I'm moving. I'm not static. And I'm getting there - slowly, but surely.
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