Being a Mom Is Complicated

I have to write about something I'm kind of uncomfortable with:  my role as a mother.  What?!  How can I say this?  Whatever could I mean?  First, I have to acknowledge the sensitivity of this post.  Please don't judge.  I'm being completely honest and candid - so please, no judging.  Second, I have to confess this is MY issue.  My children are the most perfect people ever to step foot on the Earth.  THE most perfect people.  I don't know why I was given such wonderful people to raise.  God must love me.

I've always been pretty independent.  I was raised to be independent.  When you have nine children, you've got to let them take care of a few things on their own.  Looking back, I am so grateful to my parents - all of them.  I continue to be grateful for the wonderful parents in my life.  Few people are so fortunate, but I'm one of the lucky ones. ;)

With all these gifts of love, people, and great lessons, why do I struggle as a Mother?  Or better stated:  How do I struggle as a mother?  One word: Intimacy.  I'm independent still.  It's very difficult for me to understand appropriate boundaries in relationships with my children.  I'm afraid it seems like I don't care about the minute details of their lives.  I do care.  It's ALL I care about, but I'm so afraid of being too enmeshed.  I'm afraid of stifling their independence.  This causes me lots of anxiety.  I worry about them constantly.  I worry about their feelings, their actions, their friends and other interpersonal relationships.  I worry about where they're going in life and how they're going to get there.  I worry about not doing a very good job.  All of this worry and anxiety is suffocating me.  I would like to be rid of it.  There are times when I am free of this albatross.

The pic above was taken on a little mini break at our friend, Dan & Susan's, lake house.  It was a nice break.  The big kids took off fishing while Lily and I hung around the house relaxing.  I got to take a walk with just Noah - dogs running beside us.  It was a favorite moment for me.  We sat out by the fire pit from early afternoon to dark.  The kids collected sticks, bugs, leaves.  We laughed and explored.  I loved it.  That's why I love this picture.  I am in the center.  I hope to be the center of their world.  I try very hard to be their rock.

The past two years have been excruciating for me.  My marriage ended.  Another relationship that was very special to me ended.  I left the faith that kept me anchored for so long and along with it a social network.  I feel like I'm floating.  I don't feel like a rock.  Quite frankly, I'm a little sick of working so hard on myself.  I have to think - HAVE TO - that there's a reason for all this disruption and change.  There is a place I need to be in my heart and in my head.  I have no idea why, but like it or not I'm going to get there.  Dealing with this, on my own, is enough.  Dealing with it while attempting to cultivate, grow, and nurture three adorable, precious souls is daunting for me right now.  However, I am doing it.

Facing these struggles in my first challenge.  Openly exposing said struggles is my second.  Now it's time to conquer.  Time to read well written books by people who know what they're talking about.  Time to sit with each child, each day I'm able and tell them how very special they are to me.  If I do this by noticing a unique trait of theirs or congratulating an accomplishment or giving an extra long hug is unimportant.  What is important is facing those fears I have lurking in the back of my mind.  Understanding that anxiety.  Then promptly kicking it's ass.

I tell the kids something to make them laugh/cringe, "Hey!  I know you!  I GREW you!"

I sure do miss the fantastic woman who grew me.  I'm grateful to have so many other women who've tended and cared for me, who've "grown" me in so many other ways throughout my life.

Maybe that's part of the lesson I'm supposed to learn:  It's not about being the person you think you are, it's about loving the person you actually are.  After all, there's nothing my children can do to make me stop loving them.  Why is it so hard to love ourselves when we know there are others who can't help loving us regardless of what we do or who we are?  There's my lesson learned for the day.  I will go forward from this point on not worrying about my faults and anxieties in regards to my relationship with my babies, but I will instead appreciate the mother I am to them.  Through this practice, improvement is inevitable.  I will love myself for what I am giving.  I will transfer that love to those little people (who are everyday growing bigger) in order for them to understand how amazing they are.