Joy Revisited

The last time I spoke of joy, I was in a sad place.  My heart was torn to shreds. I had no idea how I was going to make my way out of the sorrow and pain I was feeling, but I had hope that I could.  That hope is what encouraged me to write about what I was feeling.  That hope kept me going.

Each day, I would wake up and think "Joy" then I would count in my mind a few things I was grateful for.  It works.  Centering yourself on good always works.

Don't get me wrong, I had some CRAZY bad stuff happen during that time.  I also had CRAZY good stuff happen during that time .. and when I talk about "that time" you must understand that my life moves very fast.  I'm a quick study.  So ... we're talking a few weeks here.  Anyway, I stopped trying to control what was happening for once in my life and I just went with it.

This is what I've learned:

When you stop thinking about the "how" and instead consider the "whats" in life, things fall into place.  For instance, instead of thinking about HOW to mow the lawn you merely consider all those feelings you'll have after the lawn in mowed, mowing the lawn gets done quickly and feels GREAT.  I had to stop thinking about HOW I was going to maintain joy, have a relationship, make enough money, etc.  I started thinking about WHAT I was going to feel like when all that fell into place.  I started feeling the WHAT right then ... and it brought me joy.  I stopped "spinning".  I stopped being "Agenda Glenda" as someone who knew me better than anyone coined me.

For Type "A" go getter's like me, this was really fucking hard.  REALLY hard.

I'm still working on it.  I'm still looking each day in the face, being grateful, feeling joy ... and you know what?  Today, I laughed at something silly Lily did.  That in itself isn't unusual.  What was unusual was that genuine, bubbling laughter that came from me.  I FELT that funny moment.  I savored it.  I had JOY.  Typing that makes me want to cry because I am so grateful.

It's not just that.  I've also started seeing someone.  He is ... wonderful to me.  He's funny, realistic, has the same silly sense of humor I have, he sings (well), is affectionate, generous, and does not hesitate to tell me he adores me.  And yet ... I hesitate.  I wonder if I should be getting involved.  I talk myself out of seeing him about ten times a day and then ... joy.  He will text me a silly pic or say something sweet or insist on seeing me because he can't take being away for one more minute and at that moment ... I stop trying to control what's happening and I get on the ride.  There are times for caution and there are times for unabashed throwing caution to the wind.

I am seeking joy.  I am giving up control.  And it feels great.