Turn, Turn, Turn

I haven't posted in over a year.  I have reasons; however, tonight I need to write.  I need to document some of my experiences.

What does a year bring?  What can transpire in (well .. more than a year) fourteen months?  A whole heck of a lot, that's what.

Fourteen months has brought tremendous change for this gal.  I was at a point of despair last February.  I really had no idea how everything was going to work out in the end, but I had a feeling. I had this odd sense of well being that is incredibly unusual for my stressful self.

Here's what I was faced with:  I had taken a position at a company that seemed too good to be true.  I loved who I was working with at so many levels.  I found a freedom in thought and spirit I hadn't known previously.  I was so in love.  I was so accepted ... and then I wasn't.  All that I was enjoying and loving seemingly disappeared within an instant.  Luckily, I possessed the maturity to understand circumstance.  What occurred wasn't about me, it was something else, yet, it affected me and I was unhappy.  I saw the writing on the wall.  I understood something else must be done, but I had no idea how that would happen.  I was at a complete loss.

That's when I was contacted by a Head Hunter.  Initially, I blew her off completely.  Finally, she asked for a phone conversation.  I submitted my number, talked with her, and agreed to an interview with another company.

... and here I am.  One year later.  Here I am.  Astounded.  Amazed.  Grateful.  Understanding.

Life is comprised of anything other than coincidence.  Life is a series of occurrences and decisions which lead to our glory or our fall.  We must decide our character.  We must decide our strength.

I have the ability to see the "big picture" and choose accordingly.  Do I make mistakes??  Do I make a mass amount of mistakes?  Ummmmm ... yep.  Do I care?  Absolutely.  Is it necessary for growth?  100%.

Possibly the best thing has happened to me.  What has transpired is this:  I allow myself to be imperfect.  There are times I, like a dog, roll in my mistakes and relish in the stink of imperfection.  It feels good.  It's liberating.

At the end of the day, being a caring, loving, accepting human is much more precious than being perfect.  Screw perfectionism.  Screw it.

Where am I going with this?

Let's touch on a few points:

1) Parenthood:  I sought out to be the BEST parent. E.V.E.R.  I mean - ever.  What I learned is this:  it's intangible.  No parent is perfect.  No person is perfect.  Allowing your children to witness your imperfection allows them to shoot for something higher.  Allowing yourself to be imperfect before your children allows adoration.  Being "real" is essential and enduring.  I like it.  I cringe at my imperfections; however, I embrace my children for their own imperfect beauty.  To me, they are the most gorgeous, talented, amazing people ... and I grew them!  Together, we are amazing.  Together, we have a bond which can never be severed.

2) Friends.  Time alone doesn't make a friend "good".  People who are precious to you are precious.  Nothing can alter a true friendship.  Nothing.  I am so fortunate to have found two soul mates in friends.  SO FORTUNATE.  I've been hurt by shitty friends.  Super hurt.  Life is about love and acceptance. I not only adore my true soul mates in friendship, I adore their parents as well because those parents cultivated amazing women whom are capable of the highest love and acceptance.  I am eternally grateful for Dayle & Robin.  They are fabulous examples to me.

3) Love with Men:  I have had a great love.  An amazing love.  I have had so much heartache associated with said love.  I have desired, sought after, and attempted to force love.  It doesn't work.  It.Doesn't.Work.  End of story.  Forcing, coercing, or manipulating anyone doesn't work.  Ever.  I met someone about six months ago.  I completely adored him from moment one.  I've only seen him a handful of times in six months.  I'm absolutely crazy about him.  Not in an "I'm going to do everything in my power to make him crazy about me" sort of way, but in an "I'm willing to take a step back to see how this all plays out" sort of way.  It's unsettling to me.  I control things after all. I don't want to control this.  I want to tend it.  I want to cultivate it.  I want to feel it.  I want to subject myself to hurt.  I want to be vulnerable.  I want to feel every stinking feeling, insecurity, joy. I want to embrace this veritable rose bush - thorns and intoxicating beauty.  That, after all, is living.

4)  Self:  It's hard to find yourself.  I have such a love/hate relationship with Glenda.  She really pisses me off a lot.  She's also amazing.  I adore her.  I hate her.  She can't say "no" to peanut butter and chocolate, black coffee, or bourbon, but ... she's so freaking creative.  She loves beauty. She has a great eye for design.  She can charm the pants off just about anyone, puts all at ease, and can make miracles reality --- yet, she gets depressed, lonely, demanding.  She can be impossible, insecure, and moody.  After so many years with her, I've decided she's okay.  Those dark times bring about incredible sun.  The sadness never lasts very long.  Her strength overpowers weakness.  That's as much as I can reveal about my feelings for myself.  The third person thing was feeling corny.

What is the next year going to bring??

I'm nervous & I'm not.

All I request is this:  More laughter than tears, Stability,Well-Being for the kiddos, Evenings with Neil Young as my soundtrack, and as Brenda put it, "A Great Love".  I would enjoy a great love. After years of tumultuous, albeit necessary, experiences - I am ready.