Depression - Sneaky Little Scank

I had a regular visit with my regular doctor a few months ago.  I complained of restless nights, anxiety, weight gain, and basic exhaustion.  Then, out of nowhere, I burst into tears.

"You're depressed."

She said it so calmly, I almost gave her a hug.  But what I really wanted to do was smack her.

How dare she???  Me?!  Depressed???  I'm magical.  I'm happy.  I'm strong.  I can get through anything and smile.  I make other people happy.  I give almost four dozen couples the happiest & most perfect day of their lives.  I make Executive Assistants and Corporate Planners happy for a few hours while their Bosses and Coworkers enjoy a nice evening.  I am anything ... except ... depressed.

Wait.

What had slowly transpired over the past few months?  What had come over me?

The scab came off of my heart - actually, it was more of a callous.

Each and every time I sent a beautiful girl down the aisle, another layer came free from my heart. After 40 or so "Happily Ever Afters", I was exposed.  My heart was free of my hard earned callouses. Damn.  It's so much easier not to care about anyone deeply.  I had accepted my fate.  I had embraced my future.  I have the most perfect children who are growing into amazing adults.  We would have family dinners and holidays.  I would forever be single and content with my lovely career and my lovely children.  These god forsaken emotions, strings tugging at my heart, undying romanticism began to gnaw at my newly exposed heart.  Damn.

When you least expect it --- double damn.  My Achilles heel, my Prince Charming, my never ending, ever enduring, ever lasting, undying (am I going overboard?!) LOVE walks back into my life.  Super duper double triple DAMN.

Of course it's complicated.  It's always a little complicated.  I'm pretty mature.  I handle things well, I think ... and then I don't ... and neither does he.  There's a lot of hurt going on here.

Then ... depression gets me.  Really gets me and makes me irrational and stupid.  Super stupid.  He needs a break.  I realize I'm relieved.  Of course, I pout and mope.  Yet, I am relieved to be alone for the first time in a month.  I am happy to do laundry, Facebook, watch 48 Hours Mystery, and do all those pesky updates on my long abandoned laptop.  I also went through some of my old things.

I took a look at myself.

Here's the deal:  keeping up with my life is like running a marathon - every. single. day.  Nothing could have prepared me for the dedication my current position demands.  I feel like I have a new born - over and over again.  Just when I was feeling content and ready to shift to neutral and begin to regain time for myself, another baby comes along and with it no sleep, long hours, exhaustion.  Read: Depression.

She's a nasty little demon lying in wait to steal all your joy.

He said something to me last week that keeps going through my head, "You have a really good life. You have three great kids at home.  You live in a cute little house.  You have so much."

I've been really foolish.

I've never been so trusting, so forthright in advancing a relationship.  I've never been so determined in establishing myself in a position and fighting to get even further.  I've never been more focused, but I'm depressed ... or I was ridiculous and giving in to depression until tonight.

Tonight, I looked at the big picture by thumbing through pictures of days gone by.  I feel so tired.  I feel so worn out all the time.  My worry, my caution with my Mr. Right & my job have consumed me.  If anyone knows better, it's me.  Never live by fear!  Never!  I've never been one to run away out of fear, but I did.  I quit.  I tried to destroy everything because I let those awful, yet familiar companions settle in to stay a few weeks.  They made a mess of my head, ate all my good thoughts, took all my warm, comforting sentiments, and really mussed up my psyche.  Quadruple damn.

New day.  New start.  No fear.  The best way to accomplish anything is to do a little each day and be satisfied.  As Roy Montierth would say, "Better than it was."  That always made me laugh; however, I see wisdom is those words.  Better than it was.  Yes, I will take that.  Each. And. Every. Day.

I'm still me after all.  If I'm not running a race, I'm bored.

And ... what do I have to lose?  I'm in love after all ... if he'll still have me.