I'm at a Loss

My life, like everyone else in the Universe, is ever evolving.

I've spent a lot of time figuring out exactly what I want out of life, what I want to accomplish, what I want to succeed in doing, what will bring me joy ... it's exhausting.

There are times I hate being me.  I hate being so driven.  I hate having the appearance of strength when I feel weak.  I hate waking up every day to more and more expectations from myself and others.  It's exhausting.

I am beginning to come to a few conclusions.

1. I miss making life beautiful
2. I miss organization in my home
3. I miss simplicity
4. I miss myself

What has occurred with putting agendas as my priority is a complete and utter loss of self and happiness.

I used to judge my Father for working so hard.  "Work isn't going to care for you when you're old, Dad."  I would think.  "Work isn't going to hug you as you sleep, Dad." I would judge.

What I didn't understand, what I wasn't mature enough to comprehend, was the importance of "work".  I had no concept of striving to reach a goal of ease and peace in one's existence.  I could not fathom the stress of providing for a family.  I had no idea the comfort in being lost in "work".

And so we arrive at this day.

Today was disappointing, enlightening, earth shattering, devastating, heart wrenching, educational, peaceful, new.

How can one day bestow so many emotions?  It was - ONE DAY.  I'm exhausted.

Let me be more accurate.  Two hours were devastating, hurtful, numbing, heart breaking, eye opening.  The remaining hours left me to deal with processing those emotions.  I am exhausted.

I am in the process of learning something vitally important.  Lessons continually teach themselves to you until you learn them.  I believe I'm to the point of getting a big lesson through my thick old head.

I tend to be vain ... and honest.  Vanity.  She's a mighty vixen that makes one puff up their chest, tease their hair, wear a "too short" skirt.  Vanity does not know when to stop.  She has caused one too many problems in my life.

I tend to say, "Yes" all. the. time.  Recently, I believed I'd improved; however, I find myself a day behind, over-booking every minute of every day, and just wanting to run away from it all.

I am mostly a happy girl ... or I was.

Currently, I am exhausted.

This happens to me, repeatedly:  People fall in love with me.  Oh, they go all smitten with thinking I'm the bee's knees ... and then, they hate me.  I have figured this out at last.

Here's how it goes:

Glenda:  I'll do anything you want!  That's the greatest idea & I can make it better!  Let's do this!

Person:  Great!!  I love you!!!

Time passes - Glenda is WAY too busy; however knows she will follow through on said promise. Person is a nervous wreck.  Person doubts.  Person places even MORE burden on Glenda b/c Person is now shutting down.  **Big Day Arrives**  It's perfect.  Person rode Glenda's ass about things that were happening & freaked on-site about making everything perfect.  Person enjoys Event.  Person realizes how much of an ass Person is.  Person decides to blame Glenda on their own ass-holery because it's easier than admitting Glenda just killed herself for Person's cause.

I am exhausted.

For four years, I have been killing myself to obtain a goal.  Today, my goal was taken away from me due to ass-holery.

My objective now is to get through it and learn the Lesson.

For most of my life, I have pushed and fought to get what I want.  I am exhausted.

Now is the time to instill the learning.  Now is the time to enact the Lesson.

People will think what they want.  People will act in either amazingly powerful, understanding ways ... or ... they will delve into ass-holery.

I'm rejuvenated.

I have an amazing talent.  I have many talents.  I love exercising my talents.  I love making other people happy.  I love creating beauty.  I love succeeding.

I am motivated.

From one of my greatest Lessons, I have learned how gratifying the unconditional love bestowed upon your children rewards one with an unconditional love bestowed upon oneself from said children.

I am fulfilled.

Treasuring morning chats, drives to the Grocery Store, watching a show together has provided belly laughs, exasperated sighs, and big grins.

I am joyful.

Tallying numbers, writing Reports, witnessing progress bring satisfaction.

I am successful.

No, work will not hug you while you sleep or care for you when you're old; however, work can be a means to an end.

I am preparing my means to an end.  It is time to stop fighting.  It is time to stop shouldering the burden.  It is time to stop making magic happen for people whom have no appreciation.

It is time for

• joyfulness
• reflection
• action
• care
• love
• did I mention "joy"?!

I am completely and utterly done beating myself up over tiny details that were not "100%" perfect.  I am prepared to accept "very good".

This is a step in the right direction.  After a day of tears and sobbing, I am taking away from this day a gift which was extended to me.  A lovely man reminded me, "You are an amazing, graceful, and strong spirit.  Your presence is something people can FEEL.  Remember who you are.  You are a strong, small, and Delicate Spirit.".

I cried.

Thank you for the Lessons, Universe.  Please use me as an instrument any time!